Important Note: I have used and adapted my original work that was posted on Reddit in September 2019. The lessons are worth mentioning again and I’ve revised for 2020, focusing more on values.
You can download my Value Identifier PDF here. Details below.
Why I Am Writing this Article on INTJ Relationships?
I’ve been encouraged both emotionally and practically to share what little tips I’ve gathered over my 28 years of living as well. I still do not know a lot – in fact, the more I learn, the more I realize there is more to learn….however, some things have stuck over the years.
This article focuses mainly on INTJ relationships and INTJ relationship problems, INTJ relationship advice, as this is something I am constantly learning about and something that seems to be the Achilles’ heel for most INTJ’s. I am female but I think these things can apply to all INTJ’s regardless of gender. I’ve tried to prioritise brevity but some things need to be said.
Relationships for an INTJ can be challenging.
INTJ’s really have trouble with relationships. It isn’t because we don’t want them or like them (in fact, we are greatly impacted by them and they mean a lot to us), but because 1) they don’t follow rules like we think they should – they are unpredictable and sometimes undefinable, 2) because we feel quite deeply and (younger INTJ’s especially) have yet to develop strategies to cope with the intensity of our emotions, and 3) we are not the best at reading social cues or emotions, and so we can easily offend or do the “wrong” thing in a social setting.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the following applies to us INTJ’s – especially younger INTJ’s who are less weathered by experience – “We believe wholeheartedly (in our systems, values, frameworks which are all supported by evidence), love wholeheartedly (those who we trust and let in to be close to us), and desire truth wholeheartedly (truth, evidence, accuracy, what works, etc).”
Once we are in a relationship of any kind, we’re in. You will know when we are still out – out is our default as we need to trust you first. Being loyal and committed can lead to good and bad situations and learning to read the situations can be a little tricky for us. It can lead to unhealthy INTJ relationships with an INTJ not willing to give up or lose something so close to them. It can also lead to INTJ’s being unwilling to let anyone in, for fear of not knowing what to do if they lose that relationship. Many INTJ’s go through hard breakups that last months or even years, and this can be unhealthy for them.
The older I get, the more I realise that learning to live in harmony with others is essential for happiness. It makes life a lot smoother and enjoyable. For example, things get done quicker, less energy is expended, and more opportunities may present themselves.
When we understand that our values and inner framework, the internal processing of the world around us, will always be pushing and craving perfect alignment and rigidity with our physical environment.
The following point helped me understand a common source of pressure and inner conflict for INTJ’s. When we understand that our values and inner framework, the internal processing of the word around us, will always be pushing and craving perfect alignment and rigidity with our physical environment.
This is essential for INTJ to understand to navigate their world as smoothly as possible, and to navigate INTJ relationships as smoothly as possible. Our inner world needs to correlate with the outside world. We require our values to be affirmed by the outside world at all times. We require our own framework to make sense of the external world. If it doesn’t, we need to reset or upgrade our framework, so we can process the outside world smoothly.
To know what this means better, we need to understand what our values are and be willing to work with our world in order to make the two work in synergy. Setting expectations regardless of reality can lead to negative stress, shame, disappointment, and complete ineffectiveness in our lives. These things should and can be eliminated by having the right understanding of ourselves and how we work.
Have you ever asked yourself what your values are? They will change possibly, as you grow older, have new life experiences, or as you mature. Some of your values may remain steadfast through your whole life.
If you have never considered your values, I recommend doing a quick exercise to help yourself identify what drives you. And more importantly, it will allow you to see where those values are not being upheld in your life. Without question, an area of conflict in your life will be because one of your values is being trampled in the process, either by you or someone else.
Use my INTJ Value Identifier (Download PDF: INTJ Values – Identifying what drives you PDF) to do this exercise. I used it and did it over about 2 days, and I was happy with the results. I am confident in this exercises’ ability to bring to surface what really matters and drives you and help you see what you want.
How can this help with INTJ relationships? Firstly, by helping us INTJ’s identify if any relationships are breaching our values, or if we are breaching our own values with particular relationships, which will put stress on the relationship; and secondly, by helping us know what to change and what to fix, and how and why it needs to be fixed.
The best INTJ relationship advice I have for INTJ relationship problems can be summed as this: Start by respecting yourself and your values so you can start respecting others.
This is Part 1 of my Superior INTJ Relationships: 6 Simple Points for Every Single INTJ publication. In the next article I will be talking about the importance of alone time, the distinction between that and isolation, and the importance of friendship.
Here are some of my favourite books which touch on relationships, values, and harmony with nature.